The Caretaker
by OscarGray
Summary: Telling the story of the Caretaker of Hogwarts.
1. Chapter 1

Hogwarts was an elite establishment of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and in the grounds of that magnificent school was the cottage of the caretaker. The caretaker was a brutal and rather scruffy fellow who had taken up the muggle pleasure of alcohol. The Headmistress, Hermione Granger-Weasley, was willing to accommodate the caretakers fits. His awkwardness around the school, his rage towards pupils and his delusions of continued grandeur. It was on the day that Dumbledore house (A 5th house had been established under the Headmastership of Harry Potter) played Hufflepuff at quidditch. A sport which the headmistress would have outlawed were it not for the caretakers insistence.

Two Hufflepuff players wandered past the caretakers cottage carrying their "Malfoy 800" broomsticks. The Malfoy broomstick dynasty was a vast empire, the original owner of the company had went to school at a time of Lord Voldemort's return, although he had often been linked to the forces of darkness, he had remained true to his good nature and now spent his wealth on various philanthropy. At Christmas day in 2040, Malfoy had even travelled to see the Caretaker who was in his sixtieth year. He passed the two young lads who seemed to mutter something about a crazy caretaker.

"Well, surely you would like something more than alcohol?"

"Damn it all Malfoy! I don't need anything from you. If you want to send me some Carslberg, Some Budweiser, Some Smirnoff and the like – feel free. But don't you dare lecture me. I am twice the wizard you will ever be."

"Look – there are potions that will stop you needing to consume so much alcohol. You really ought to..."

"Shut up Malfoy! Do you know who I am? I am the greatest Wizard that ever lived! I am the Boy who lived! I beat the lord of darkness....TWICE. Now how about a drink for an old friend?"

"Of course Potter." Said Malfoy and with a wave of his wand in came the crates of alcohol that sat in his carriage outside. "How are the kids?"

"All moved off to the continent Malfoy. All of them. None of them visit. None of them, since Ginny and I got divorced, it just hasn't been the same."

"Ginny is doing well. She runs Muggle papers you know as well as most of our own press." Said Malfoy eyeing up the large measure of alcohol that Harry was pouring into a damaged glass. "You can fix broken glass can't you Harry?"

"Yes."

"All of your cutlery is damaged and your glasses are broken."

"I don't need to drink out of a bloody fixed glass! We're not all posh sell outs with a broom up our arses Malfoy!" snapped Harry with a bitter resentment, the sort of resentment he felt when Headmistress Granger-Weasley would reprimand him for shouting at pupils. Particularly Dumbledore house Pupils. On one occasion, under the influence, he had wandered into the Dumbledore House Common Room and wrote "HARRY POTTER – GREATER THAN DUMBLEDORE" He had been consumed with jealousy since his removal from the position of Headmaster.

"Tell me H...Tell me Potter, how did your position as Headmaster get revoked? I didn't trust the papers."

"It was ten years ago Malfoy."

"I know Potter. I know. But, after all, you didn't have a drink habbit then."

"It was my divorce. Have you ever seen a divorce in these courts?"

"No."

"Dominated by women!"

"Really?"

"Yes! That bitch Ginny gets the House, the cave, the dog, the money, the book-rights, the shop, the candles, the wand... What did I get?"

"I hear she gave you a tenured professorship at the Institute of Muggle Studies."

"Well, my tenure was revoked."

"Why?"

"An accident."

"What? There was no reports in any of the press"

"I was drunk on duty one day, and I happened to do a 'magic trick' in front of the muggle press. No fewer than 800,000 spells were cast by the ministry to protect us. And the muggle Prime Minister was raging. Well, there was a clause in my tenure that any exposure to more than a hundred thousand muggles would have it revoked."

"At least Hermione is helping you out."

"Remember you would curse at her and call her mud blood?"

"Yes, but now, I sell 800 brooms a year to Hogwarts, A deal we called 800-800s"

"Well good for you Malfoy. IT seems everyone is doing well. Everybody except me, and who saved all your lives? Vodka-Whisky is a smashing drink." Said Harry drinking the mixture from a chipped pint glass.

"Potter let me help you before I go."

"Your going?"

"Yes, I have a conference in the United States. And with all the congestion it takes three minutes or so to get there these days. Let me tidy your home, One spell."

"Ok Malfoy. I have an interview with the heads of House tomorrow."

"Really? For what purpose? TIDEYOUS."

"To discuss that damn giant."

"What giant?"

"That giant that was brought into the woods a few months ago. I chained him up good."

"Being set free is he?"

"No – no... He wasn't fed."

"What?"

"I forgot to feed him. What with all my other work , I barely had time to take a drink. And when I was scheduled to feed him – I nipped in for a few drinks."

"Oh Potter..."

With this despairing remark, Drago Malfoy left his schoolmate in a spotless home with crates of various alcohols neatly piled up. With all his dishes washed, the glasses on his face and the ones which held his drinks, were fixed once more. Drago sighed as he closed the heavy metal door of the cottage, a metal door which also locked from the outside for the Caretakers own safety. In 16 hours, Harry Potter could lose yet another job.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry awoke at noon. Knowing he had only two hours until the Schools Governing Board (something he had actually set up as a way of allowing the Heads of Houses more authority in the sacking and hiring of staff members.) would swagger in a pompous manner to his home. As if they had defeated the Lord of Darkness on two occasions. How he hated the way in which he was spoken to by them!

There was Hermione, the head of Howgwarts, there Miss Chang, head of Hufflepuff who remained single due to her picky ways, divorcing a muggle! She wouldn't even look at Harry these days. Dumbledore house was headed by William Luther, a former pupil of Harry's. While Gryfindor was led by David Battersea - who was installed in his position just so the governing board would later be able to vote Headmaster Potter out of the chair! Ravenclaw was led by Arthur Wilson, who also ran the Potter Wand Emporioum (a business purchased from Ginny Potter for 90,000 Gold Galleons). Harry had set that business up. Although Arthur simply refused to consider him for a company directorship. Finally, Hufflepuff and Slytherin were headed by Ronald Gatehead and Sarah Smith. Two people who testified in support of Harry at the Ministry hearing in 2032. He knew he could count on their support.

He flung open his door and invited the distinguished party of six into his home. Offering each a drink, while they refused he helped himself to a pear cider with just a hint of rum. "Mr Potter" said Hermione, "We have come discuss your position here at Hogwarts."

"Ah Hermione! Must we be so formal, we all know this is merely an inquiry for the sake of it. I am sure you have already made up your mind."

"Now now Sir" said William Luther "You always taught me that formal. Formality is what we all need in formal occasions. In this occasion, we must be formal. As either, we shall dismiss you, or shall reprimand you severely."

"Fine Will." Said Harry, guzzling down the last of the liquid in his glass. It was his second of the day, and he was thirsty still.

"MR Potter, we are impressed with your tidy home. We are impressed with your kind manner towards us. However, the board met last night."

"I established that board you know! Back in the Spring of 2030, I knew we had to go forward as a school! I knew that the Headmaster was often a fool. I knew that we needed protection against Fudges and Malfoys."

"Yes well, Harry, I hate to say that the Board unanimously agreed to terminate your employment here. In addition, we require you to pay the total bill for all damages you have done to the school and to settle the tab our school has been running for your food and drink. I am sorry, we have contacted several local shops that are willing to employ you."

"What? Hermione, please. I can't pay any bills. I have no money."

"Enough for all this drink" snapped Arthur Wilson, Harry hated Arthur. He had stole his business. His business that he was going to retire on. Ginny had taken it in the divorce and pawned it off.

"Harry, you have an impressive job record. You will manage to find yourself employment."

"I'll be out by tomorrow morning Hermione" said Harry resigned to defeat. But it pained him that Ronald and Sarah had not voiced a concern over his dismissal.

"Harry" said Ronald "The board has also voted to appoint you an Honorary Professor of Magical History and Defence against the Dark Arts. We have decided to commission from you a textbook for each subject, for use by first year pupils. We have here a contract setting out your employment contract. You will be required to attend opening and closing meals. As well as presenting a copy of each textbook - whenever you write it – to graduating pupils."

Harry's eyes lit up, not at the paltry sum (six sickles per textbook) but that Ronald and Sarah had made a defence of their former friend. They had protected him from the worst fall he might sustain. His financial well-being was still in serious question. His friendship with Hermione was certainly over. But these two had once again launched to his defence. Then again, he had saved them from Voldemort twice.

Hermione began to write out Harry's CV, with impressive positions being listed towards the end, while the top of the list had various other positions it was his 2015 onward jobs that were most interesting to him.

"Defence Against the Dark Arts – Professor, Hogwarts School 2015-2018

Depute Head of Gryfinndor House, Hogwarts School 2017-2019

Head of Wizardry Commission on Wizard Poverty, Ministry of Magic 2019

Depute Head of Muggle Relation, Ministry of Magic 2019-2021

Director of Seeker Development, The Quidditch Association (Honourary) 2019-2032

Head of Gryfinndor Hous, Hogwarts School 2021-2029

Depute Minister for Magic, Ministry of Magic 2029

Headmaster, Hogwarts School 2029-2032

Headmaster, Hogwarts School 2034-2037

Owner, Director, Manager – Potter Wands – 2025-2037

Caretaker , Hogwarts School 2039-2040" he read the list aloud to impress his company, but in reality, it saddened them that such a great wizard had sunk so far. His trial in '32, innocent though he was, scared his career. Returning to the school damaged his relationship and he would be divorced a week before he resigned his position. He had drank his time away. And he realised in the faces of his former friends, that he had let himself down.

"I have a job lined up" said Harry.

"Have you Harry?" whined Hermione in hope.

"Yes, Yes. An old friend owes me a favour."

"Who?" asked Hermione. Only to receive a cheery smile from Harry, who


End file.
